Miracles in Waiting

This morning was my egg retrieval. I’m not exactly sure what’s gotten into me but the entire ride to the office where the procedure was going to take place I was dreading everything. It didn’t help we had to get up at 430am and leave by 5:15am to make it there for my appointment at 7am. I’m sure some of it was fatigue, but I was kind of in a place where mentally I just want this all over with and I want to move on with my life. This roller coaster of emotions usually doesn’t have me feeling this way on retrieval day. In the past it’s been an exciting day where we find out how many eggs were retrieved and wait to see how many embryos were created through fertilization. Then we wait the 3-5 days to find out when the transfer will be.

After I woke up from the anesthesia the first thing I remember asking is how many eggs were retrieved. Paul told me they got 11. 11 eggs. Now that may seem like a lot but it’s not. I guess it’s all relative and it can be a lot… but for me I was devastated. I started crying because I know that 11 eggs does not equal 11 embryos. One cycle they retrieved around 20 eggs and I only came away with somewhere between 6-8 embryos. I feel like I went through hell and we more than likely won’t even get 8 embryos. 8 was my goal to send off to be tested. I feel like we’ll be lucky if we come away with 5! Then who knows how many of those will make it out to day 5.

I’ve said before this is the last time I’m going through all this. So I’ve been going through all this with that in the back of my head. This is our one last shot and it’s shitty. Again, this is all relative but this is how I feel. I should find out later this afternoon (maybe not until tomorrow) how many embryos we actually got. Then we have to hope as many that can fight, do fight to make it out to day 5 to be tested. Whatever’s left on day 5 can be tested (as long as there are at least 3-4 because otherwise it’s not worth it) and then whatever comes back normal will be transferred or frozen next Thursday, 5/30.

Emotions are running high today. It feels like, once again, this entire process is controlling my life and ruining my normal plans. Life feels turned upside down and spinning. I really do want this all to be over. I want to be holding my nearly 3 month old baby and feel like I’ve finally recovered from recently giving birth. Instead I’m experiencing cramps and waiting for a phone call each day over the next 5 days to let me know how our little embryos are developing and waiting to see if one of them may just fight hard enough and be perfect enough to grow into a new healthy baby.

There is always good even in what seems shitty. I just need a little help finding it right now.