Tonight I just want to write how so incredibly thankful my dream came true. There are no words but I’m going to try and scribble something down. I’m going to do my best to explain how my daughter, becoming a mother, and reaching my dream makes me feel.
Unbelievable. As far back as I can remember, I wanted to be a mom. Not sure the reasoning behind it or why it was my dream but, deep in my heart, I knew I was meant to be a mom.
Maybe it was where I grew up. Maybe I grew up seeing people married young, having babies, buying houses (not necessarily in that order). It was just what women did. They had babies.
Maybe it was because I’ve always had a passion for children. Babies, especially, fueled my career choices of childcare teacher, nanny, and babysitter. I’ve always loved children, why wouldn’t I have my own?
Well I grew up. I matured and realized the road to motherhood isn’t always easy and there is a lot more to being a women than getting married and having babies. I’ve watched many friends and my own siblings build families and wonderful careers. Some had children, some chose not to. Either way children had nothing to do with their identity. Mom was just a title along with others such as educator, lawyer, doctor, business leader, soldier, or military spouse.
At one point I even began to accept that I may never have a child of my own. Not by choice, but by circumstance and I had to come to terms with that. Even while trying to make peace with not achieving a dream that I’d always had, deep down I felt someone telling me that one day I was going to be a mom. Some days I believed that voice. Others it was too painful to even hear it’s whisper.
Well I just have to say I am unbelievably happy that voice was speaking truth. I am one of the fortunate who is able to live my dream. I will not take it for granted. Not even one day. I may be tired being woken up at 11pm, 1, 3, and then again at 5 and 7am, but I will be thankful for my baby girl who is waking me. Not too long ago I’d given anything to be here today.
There are too many still waiting their turn. Life isn’t fair. My heart breaks for those woman who are where I was not that long ago, just as other’s hearts broke for me. I wish I could offer some sort of comfort but I know words can’t remove the longing of a dream unfulfilled.
What I can do is continue being grateful for my baby girl. I can continue to appreciate every moment and not take a single one for granted. I am still in shock I’m really here. When M mutters the word “mama” for the first time, my heart will for sure skip a beat. It already does when she smiles her biggest smile as I say mama to her. I love her with my entire being. She is my heart. I know how blessed I am and I know how close I came to never meeting her. I am so unbelievably happy that soon I will hear my daughter utter those words I’ve waited my whole life for. “Mama” My heart will skip a beat, tears will fall and my life will be complete.