Losing my mind 

It’s quite intriguing this post is following a Mother’s Day post where I share how much I hold you, love you, comfort you and wouldn’t trade the world for being your mom. 

Being a parent is so much wrapped into one. Some days it can be described with words like: amazing, lovely, indescribably fulfilling, beautifully sweet, and breathtakingly awesome. Other days words like: exhausting, overwhelming, tiresome, frustrating, and never ending are more accurate. 

The last few days have been the latter. We are just getting over M’s first real sickness. It’s completely set us back. She was finally sleeping through the night consistently and had dropped nursing down to 2 (occasionally 3) times a day. I’m not one to be rigid with routines and such but it seemed we were finally in a good rhythm. Better yet we had gotten there together without any coaxing on my part which is what I always wanted. 

Everyone says breastfeeding is a journey. I never knew how long ours would last but I had an idea in my head anyway. I figured by 15-18months we’d be down to simply morning/evening and by 24 months she would of naturally weaned herself. I’ve read (I know, I know, those are the first two words of every parent fail) most children will wean themselves when ready and I wanted to wait for her to naturally take the lead. We were headed in that direction until illness hit. 

The thing is I still believe M will naturally wean when she’s ready. The problem I’m having is it’s not coinciding with my original thoughts. (Having thoughts about how anything will go with children is another mistake) The more I read and talk to other moms the more I find this natural led weaning most likely won’t happen before age two. Yes she’ll probably drop down to morning/evening and that’ll be fine with me if she would just do it already! 

With this illness nursing has ramped up big time. Including her waking up overnight, multiple times again. I’ve tried everything (including letting her cry which kills me and I never wanted to do) and nothing works. It’s worse because she now asks for me and how can I resist? During the day distraction works sometimes but when it’s the middle of the night she won’t give up and there’s nothing to distract her with. Sleep isn’t appealing to her and she’s most likely in pain (she’s teething too, because of course being sick isn’t enough). So I feel guilty if I give in and I feel guilty letting her cry. It’s a no win situation. I just have all these thoughts running through my head instead…

“She’ll never wean if you keep feeding her.” “She can sleep through the night she doesn’t NEED me.” “She’s in a pattern now, you’re screwed. She is going to wake up (and she does) the same time every night.” “You’ve nursed for 15 months you can be proud and have nothing to feel bad about if you want to stop”

“You’ve done everything and she won’t go back to sleep. Well, she hasn’t been eating food during the day so she might be hungry…” “Her throat may hurt and she’s teething and nursing is comfort.” “She’s sick, how can you let her cry?” “She’s done this before, been in this pattern, and once she feels better (teeth break through or we’re back at home a few days after a trip) she goes back to sleeping through the night and nursing less.” 

So I’m over here losing my mind. I’ll just keep repeating “none of this will last forever” and “this too shall pass”. If only there was a way for me to fast forward to where it’s passed. Until then I’m here spending fun (and sometimes crazy) days with this sweet little angel who has officially entered tantrum throwing toddlerhood on top of everything else…

WHO ME?

   

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Mother’s Day 2015

 

We are finally home, you are snuggled in bed and Sam is snuggled beside me. It’s been a long weekend. You’ve been sick. This is the first time you’ve been this sick. We’ve made it 15months healthy as can be so I guess we were due. This weekend, Mother’s Day weekend, you were not feeling well. You ran a fever, it was accompanied by a nasty barking cough and being lathargic. For my second Mother’s Day with you I received many snuggles. 

You are already a momma’s girl but being sick it was full on. You wanted no one but me. I couldn’t be out of your sight. I tried not to be since you could barely cry without breaking my heart because of your sore throat and lost voice. So I held you, I nursed you, I comforted you all weekend long. I hope the worst is behind us and you’ll wake up tomorrow feeling much better. 

I wouldn’t trade anything for being your mother. I feel blessings and love, so very much of both, each and every day. 

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Finding time for me

It’s a little after 6am. I hear her talking to herself and open my eyes. I realize she talking to me telling me in her own way she’s awake, let’s go, time to play, it’s time for the day to begin. So I drag myself out of bed and say, “Good morning love” as I scoop her up and give her a hug and kiss. My day goes on from here and pretty much revolves around her. We play, have breakfast, she takes a nap which means I sit down for the first time since waking up. I try to catch up on emails, social media and the sort, then look around at everything that needs done before she wakes up and start tackling one task at a time. Sometimes. When she wakes up from nap we have a snack, then sometimes go out for an adventure or play at home. Lunch, another nap, snack then shortly after dad comes home. We play, have dinner and it’s soon time for bed. 

Between the hours of 6:30am-6:30pm my day is hers. I have two short periods of time to choose to do what I want but rarely I do. Instead I choose to do what needs to be done. Bills, trash, dishes, laundry, preparing food, cleaning, research for the upcoming trip or move. The age old question of when do parents (or people in general) find time for themselves? When they choose to. I am glad it’s only taken me a little over a year to realize how important it is that I begin to choose me again. 

I’m fortunate I’ve had some time to myself during this year. What I haven’t done is found something I love, like a hobby that I can look forward to more often. Some people have horse back riding, crocheting, crafting, photography, reading, running, or another hobby. Even before I had M I cared for children. I wouldn’t have called it my hobby but it’s really all I’ve ever done. Then I spent 3 years wrapped up in trying to have a child so I’ve kinda become all consumed. 

So I’m on a hunt for a new hobby. Sometimes thinking of taking on a hobby just sounds like more work. Every now and then I need a mental break and want to put my brain to work thinking about and doing something that has nothing to do with children. So even if it’s more work at first it’ll be worth it in the long run when I remember who I was before mom. I’m not just mom and I want to do something for Robin. So what’s your hobby? 

I like going to see movies in the theatre (really movie theatre popcorn and the movie is a bonus) so I think I’m going to try and get to see one of those in the coming months. 

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